It was a day of James Casling’s fifteenth birthday when his father killed himself. It left a teen in a dim place – he was sectioned 3 years after after perplexing to take his possess life large times. But a elementary offer to play football altered everything.
Shaking as he speaks, and perplexing to collect himself amid a tears, James relives a final few years of his father’s life.
His story is understandably still really raw.
On 20 May 2010, James should have been celebrating branch 15, though instead, he schooled that his father had taken his possess life.
It is an eventuality he is still grappling to come to terms with.
“I always wondered because he would do it, because my adore for him wasn’t enough,” he tells a BBC’s Victoria Derbyshire programme, not fearful to open adult about a many discouraging of thoughts.
“But thereafter we realised, if someone’s like that [suicidal], we couldn’t have saved him.
“I consider that hurts a lot more, to know there was zero we could have finished to stop it.”
His father’s self-murder left him in a “dark place”- his whole universe incited upside down, as he describes it.
“I was in so most pain, that to lift on [living] seemed like it was going to harm some-more than to finish my life.”
Over a subsequent 3 years, James attempted to kill himself on mixed occasions.
“It’s a frightful place. People contend ‘are we fearful of dying?’ But if we can take stairs to finish your life, there is not most that is frightful to you.”
Speaking from his possess experience, he says it is mostly not unhappiness that leaves people wanting to kill themselves, though a approach they poorly perspective their life as worthless.
“To lay in a room and be left alone with my thoughts, we consider that’s what kill people.
“It’s their possess head, revelation them their life isn’t value it, when in fact it is.”
Aged 18, James was sectioned and certified to a Park Royal Mental Health Centre in north-west London.
It was there, with a assistance of a QPR Community Trust, that his life changed.
James recalls being asked one morning if he wanted to play football.
He immediately pronounced yes, heading his mom to take a elementary step of shopping him a span of football boots.
“At a time we didn’t realise, though if my silent didn’t buy me those boots, things competence not have changed, and we competence have mislaid my life to mental illness.”
Playing for a QPR Community Trust’s mental health team, James became a club’s tip goalscorer in a initial 3 seasons – an feat about that he is righteously really proud.
But he also gained something some-more – a faith in himself.
“When we mislaid my dad, we mislaid all clarity of belonging. It threw me out of control. we didn’t have anything we felt we belonged to.
“When we put on my pack and play with my friends, it feels like we’re not only friends, we’re family.
“Every week we attended training and it gave me wish we could be someone my family and friends could be unapproachable of.
“Every week we would put so most bid in we couldn’t travel afterwards.”
In his strikingly straightforward and endearing manner, he adds: “It done me wish to stay alive, so my silent and brothers wouldn’t have to bury me.”
James – upheld by his mom and a Mental Health Football Association – hopes others can feel a same advantages in future.
“We can never stop people removing mentally unwell, though we can assistance them get improved [through] football.
“If we had carried on that trail [from before football] we wouldn’t be here today. we had to stop destroying myself.”
Although he is now older, he is uncertain what a destiny binds for him – though stays positive.
“The future’s looking a lot brighter than it was a integrate of years ago.
“I’m 21 now, I’ve got a good 60 years forward of me.”
His wish is that by vocalization out, others will be desirous by his story too – and might find help.
“I’ve only got to be clever and assistance people come out of their darkness.”
Watch the Victoria Derbyshire programme on weekdays between 09:00 and 11:00 on BBC Two and a BBC News Channel.